Dvar Torah - Vayigash- Rabbi Leonard Cohen

What legacy do we wish to leave our loved ones?
In this week’s Parsha, Vayechi, we find Ya’akov Avinu -- our forefather Jacob/Israel -- upon his deathbed, at the end of his eventful and tumultuous life. He chooses to do something remarkable: he provides each of his children, and two of his grandchildren (Ephraim and Menashe), personal verses to describe and guide them.
There are many ways we transmit love to our children and descendants, by providing them security, nurturing, guidance, attention, and care. Ya’akov gave his children, B’nei Yisrael, something further; he granted them honesty. Each child was to become the eventual forefather of one of the tribes of Israel, and he provided each one clear insight into their unique nature.
The poetic messages were not by any means sugar-coated. He likens Dan to a serpent, Issachar to a donkey, Benjamin to a wolf. He reminds Reuben of his usurping his father’s bed; he curses the wrath of Simeon and Levi. Yet Jacob’s messages do not suggest meanness or cruelty. The rabbinic commentator Abarbanel states that Jacob needed to assess the strengths and weaknesses of each son, and which one would assume leadership of the people of Israel. In the presence of the whole family, Jacob clearly communicates to Judah, “Your brothers will praise you… and prostrate themselves to you… The sceptre shall not depart from Judah… and unto him shall be the obedience of nations” (Bereshit 49:8-10). Despite being just the fourth-eldest of his siblings (after Reuben, Simeon and Levi), Judah had repeatedly shown leadership in key moments. He demonstrated certain qualities which superseded those of his brothers, who nonetheless became family and tribal leaders in their own rights.
Contemporary author and lecturer Alfie Kohn challenges many of the common paradigms of education and parenting today. He describes how the repeated strategy of praise as a parenting or teaching technique – e.g., through the repeated intonation of “Good job!” – can surprisingly have a deleterious effect on children. According to Kohn, the choice to engage in positive/negative reinforcement is a legacy of the psychological school of behaviourism, which likens human behaviour to that of animals. The use of calculated praise can convey to children the sense that love for them is conditional upon good/proper behaviour, rather than unconditionally provided. He proposes that, instead of using external rewards and punishments to reinforce or deter behaviour, adults can better capitalize on the intrinsic motivation of children (to discover the world and engage constructively with others) by describing things accurately and honestly to them. This enables learners to understand the outcomes and effects of their actions, and to develop a better gauge of what decisions to make in future.
Ya’akov Avinu understood that empty praise would not suffice to guide his children into their future. He gave them not the feedback that they wanted, but the feedback that they needed to become greater people and leaders. We can see that his words indeed had long-term effects. The tribe of Levi, whose forefather acted murderously and impulsively in avenging his sister Dinah, instead channeled their force into becoming the priestly leaders and guides of the Israelites. And the tribe of Judah, the projected leader, indeed became the anchor of the Jewish people; so much so that virtually all surviving Jews are descended from this one tribe.
As we enter into the secular calendar year of 2021, in these difficult times, I hope that we can follow the example of Israel, the forefather and namesake of our nation. Let us be prepared to engage in honest and occasionally difficult dialogue, in order to cultivate greater wisdom among ourselves and one another.
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